September 26, 2008 by chad.

I am going to describe a situation today, but I will refrain from naming names and being specific about the details. Why you ask? Well, this is the internet and I would be a political imbecile to rant about anything that could kneecap my visions of the future. With as little as a few used words or names anyone can and will use your words against you. I constantly chuckle at what I find people saying on the internet because if I can find it, their enemies can too.

What really pisses me off, and a lot of people should agree, is when others choose to see you in a lesser light than you see yourself. You scoff, “What the heck does that mean, Chad?”

The capacity for greatness is a measure best known by those who have it and nurtured by those who can see through its outer trappings. Case in point, you know you are capable of excelling at a task, but others only see where you have been and what you have done. This is by no means a great revelation, but one thing that motivates me more than anything is the perceptions people form of me that are below what I see in myself. It’s that fire. The fire that needs that outside element to stoke it up. Today, someone stoked that fire. It pissed me off, but, rather than take it out on them or direct that energy towards malace, I will turn it into something good. I will excel beyond imagination.

Energy is energy. It is up to you to use it in a way that is either beneficial or hurtful. I have dedicated a great deal of my life to the betterment of those around me. It is what enlivens me and makes me whole. Why would I allow it to harm? No, the one who has stoked my fire may never know they were the cause, but know this…they will know they have underestimated me and in that I will attain prize…begrudged respect.Thanks for the kick in the toosh. I needed that.

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September 20, 2008 by chad.

I took the opportunity to look into the the blogs web statistic page because it since to see where people are coming from when they come to read the stuff I shovel out. Two of the referring sites of note:

Chow.com which is another excellent place to go and discuss food. Afterall, they bill themselves as the place to go for people who like to eat. They have made references and links to my reviews. More often then not, the review most viewed by them is my review of Pete’s Place.

RJ’s American Grill has blessed this blog with the honor of a place on their press release page. They misspelled Sherburne but that’s ok because they put me higher on the page than the St Cloud Times review so I have the ability to gloat a bit. (Even though I am certain they just sandwiched me in there.)

Nothing else to report. Need to make some breakfast for the kids and the St Cloud Jaycees are running Punt, Pass and Kick today at 11am so I might get back here again yet today.

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September 19, 2008 by chad.

This morning while all of us slept in our beds Marie Groetsch passed away without any family members around her. Today is not real. Her death is not real. Not to me yet. I’d expect that Monday will be another story though. Monday we will travel down to the cities and see her funeral. That will be the day of closure, not Friday.

Not much else to say, webizens. It’s time for quiet recollections and for being with my family. We’ll pick up on something else later on.

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September 18, 2008 by chad.

Just an update to the faithful readers, as of 7:20am, my grandmother is still alive. She has a tenuous grasp on life. Dad called and let me know that her breathing has turned shallow and that the nurses believe she had her last BM. They believe that she is also at her end now and that at some point today she will be joining grandpa.

Spending the last moments of life with someone is an incredibly emotional experience. I told my father to be ready for it and that it is gut wrenching and beautiful at the same time. I have had two opportunities to see someone die. One was the the young gentleman who skidded off the road near our house. He owns the destinction of being the cause of my first mass email by the name of Sherburne County Backroads from which this blog is named.

The other one was my dear friend Marci Olson who came to the end of her days in the company of the friends she held most dear. I was blessed to be counted as one of those friends and was blessed to know her.  I can remember the time just before she passed. We kept watch on her throughout, but when the time neared we all were there. The nurse’s voice still hangs in my mind as she spoke with urgency and passion. “Everyone, come here! She is passing now. Put your hands on her to show her that she is loved as she goes.” Even now a couple years later I am tearing up as I recall the experience. It was emotional beyond belief. After she died, my flee impulse kicked into overdrive. I needed to go right then and there! I drove home through tear soaked vision, walked in the door, and proclaimed to my wife that Marci was gone. Then I went into our bedroom, closed the door, and let all the bottled sorrow flow out of me.

It’s that experience that defines for me the point when the spirit leaves the body. I know that my dad, my uncles, and my aunt will likely be experiencing that today or very soon. I just hope that someone is there to be with her at her end time.

On Thursday of last week I went to go see her. If she was going to go, she was not going to go without seeing me and I was not going to let her go until I saw her. She was gaunt, mumbling, and agitated, all the while with her eyes closed. Uncles Bill and Bob were there the whole time I was and God only knows how much they were there before and after I left. Most of what she spoke was beyond understanding. She shouted “Billy” a couple times and cursed at least once. She told someone “that they should just shut-up”. We can only assume she meant us.

Before I got up to leave, I went up to grandma and touched her hand. For a second her mumbling was clear… for just two words. Candy bar. I then got the opportunity to do something with my grandma that I had not for a couple years. We had a conversation about nothing. Here is what we said.”

Chad- Grandma, do you want a candy bar?

Grandma - No…no…i don’t want a candy bar…Can I get you something?

Chad - No thanks, grandma. I don’t want a candy bar right now, but I really think you should have a candy bar.

Grandma - No…I don’t want one.

Actually, even though she was nearing the end, she was still ever the superior hostess. In the end she did give me something. The something that I longed for. She spoke to me one last time.

I missed Marci Olson’s last words by a few hours. I missed grandpa’s last words by minutes. Grandma, in her own way, gave me something finite that I can always remember. She spoke to me. Thanks, Grandma.

Aunt Donna said the last she spoke was on Friday. My cousin Heather was there when the clergy came in to pray with her. Even in her limited capacity she dropped into prayer and signed the cross. She always struck me as a devout catholic so it does not surprise me. I think that maybe she was truly there then and this was one of her last preparations for the end. Soon there after she went to sleep and has not really spoken since.

That is where we stand right now on a Thursday afternoon. As far as I know she yet breaths, so I will not refer to her in the past tense yet.

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September 10, 2008 by chad.

I apologize for seeming morose in the last two posts, but I have been working on this one the last few days and had just found out about my Grandmother only an hour or so ago. In light of the economic downturn, there are a lot of restaurants that have bit the big one in the last month. The list will likely grow, but here is a list of the recently departed of the St Cloud area:

Baker’s Square

McMillan’s

Roster’s Sports Bar and Grill

Mississippi Bean and Tea

Outback Steak House

I have read some unsubstaciated rumors about some other chain restaurants in the area, but I prefer to report the facts rather than perpetuate rumors that could potentially hurt the restaurants in the St Cloud area.

Baker’s Square wasn’t doing good before the downturn, so this was the icing on the cake. Outback had a less than ideal location. McMillan’s was awful. Sad to say, I reviewed McMillan’s for the St Cloud State Chronicle in college and gave them bad marks then. As for Mississippi Bean? It’s a blow to the downtown’s culture. That’s for sure. Hopefully the location can be resurrected in another format because it had class. A lot of arts organizations have offices in The Loft which is above the coffee shop.

If you see of any other closings, let me know. I will keep adding to the list as they fall.

End of line.

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September 10, 2008 by chad.

I got some hard news today. It seems my only surviving Grandmother who was dealing with issues of dementia has been admitted to the hospital with hemorrhaging on the brain. She is in a hospice unit right now.

Since my Grandfather’s death, Grandma has slipped futher and further away from us to the point where she seemed unable to exist in the here and now. Its been some years since his death. My son is 4 now and he was not yet born when he passed on. Last time I saw Grandma I knew I looked into the eyes of someone else, someone almost oblivious to the world around her.

In a way, if she passed on it would be a mixed blessing. She lived with her husband 50 years. These last few years have been hard for her to take. She had a tenacious talent to make things work. She had to be. Both her parents died when she was young as she was oft to tell us (Even after dementia was clutching at her psyche). She traveled so many places and did so many things in her life. She lead a full life. Everyone in the family has been grieving her loss for some time. Knowing that Grandma really was not there anymore.

I am torn. This is the mixed part. For some time I have known the only thing that was left to me of my old Grandma was memories. The almost somber finality of realizing she may indeed leave us in body, as she previously has done in spirit, puts a cap on everything. My Grandmother and I had a special relationship. She was the maker of amazing sweets. She was the woman who would hold my hand when I was preparing to leave from a visit because she was trying to sneak me money without Grandpa seeing it.(She always failed, but Grandpa looked the other way because it was always her money to spend.) She was the woman who dragged Grandpa to my first communion even though it pained her that I was not Roman Catholic. She was my friend and guide though many youthful adventures. I cannot say how much this hurts, but… damn it…I miss her. And even though she is not that person in my memory, she is still my Grandmother.

If this is her last days on this orb I am only happy for her because she will be reunited with her soul mate again. Death is never the concern of the departed, but those they leave behind. At least she will be at peace.

As I stand on the cusp of losing the last of my grand generation, remember to cherish your grands if they are still with you, because it’s a bitch to lose them. Every one of them.

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