A Mixed Blessing…Maybe

I got some hard news today. It seems my only surviving Grandmother who was dealing with issues of dementia has been admitted to the hospital with hemorrhaging on the brain. She is in a hospice unit right now.

Since my Grandfather’s death, Grandma has slipped futher and further away from us to the point where she seemed unable to exist in the here and now. Its been some years since his death. My son is 4 now and he was not yet born when he passed on. Last time I saw Grandma I knew I looked into the eyes of someone else, someone almost oblivious to the world around her.

In a way, if she passed on it would be a mixed blessing. She lived with her husband 50 years. These last few years have been hard for her to take. She had a tenacious talent to make things work. She had to be. Both her parents died when she was young as she was oft to tell us (Even after dementia was clutching at her psyche). She traveled so many places and did so many things in her life. She lead a full life. Everyone in the family has been grieving her loss for some time. Knowing that Grandma really was not there anymore.

I am torn. This is the mixed part. For some time I have known the only thing that was left to me of my old Grandma was memories. The almost somber finality of realizing she may indeed leave us in body, as she previously has done in spirit, puts a cap on everything. My Grandmother and I had a special relationship. She was the maker of amazing sweets. She was the woman who would hold my hand when I was preparing to leave from a visit because she was trying to sneak me money without Grandpa seeing it.(She always failed, but Grandpa looked the other way because it was always her money to spend.) She was the woman who dragged Grandpa to my first communion even though it pained her that I was not Roman Catholic. She was my friend and guide though many youthful adventures. I cannot say how much this hurts, but… damn it…I miss her. And even though she is not that person in my memory, she is still my Grandmother.

If this is her last days on this orb I am only happy for her because she will be reunited with her soul mate again. Death is never the concern of the departed, but those they leave behind. At least she will be at peace.

As I stand on the cusp of losing the last of my grand generation, remember to cherish your grands if they are still with you, because it’s a bitch to lose them. Every one of them.

This entry was posted on September 10, 2008 at 8:13 pm and is filed under Rubish Bin. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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